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The Mayan calendar is terrible.  First the pictures are horrible. I mean really, a picture of the Earth swallowing up a kitten with the caption, "Hang in there!"? Second, it's too heavy to hang. Third, they didn't leave enough room to write down birthdays, holidays or parent/teacher conferences anywhere on the dumb thing. Stupid, stupid calendar. Don't waste your time buying it,  I hear it's pretty inaccurate...29 days in February...yeah, right.

Now for something more exciting, January 23rd marks the Chinese New Year, so break out your fireworks, sparklers and dragon costume because it's time to party.  The Chinese calendar is associated with animals; Goat, Rooster, Snake, Monkey, Pig and more. Of course the coolest Chinese astrology signs is the Dragon.  I think this is so cool because popular culture loves stuff with Dragons. Pete's Dragon, How to Train Your Dragon, Puff the Magic Dragon, Dungeons and Dragons, the list goes on. For me, I always think of Bruce Lee.  Bruce was born in the Year of the Dragon and is closely associated because of his most popular film "Enter the Dragon".

To be clear, I don't celebrate Chinese New Year because I'm an American and I'm from Japanese decent, not Chinese. Because I'm half Asian, people assume that I know a lot about Asian culture and traditions, this could not be further from the truth. However, this has not detoured people from asking me Asian related questions over the years. So, in celebration of the Year of the Dragon I will answer actual questions that I get from people and clear up any confusion over all things Asian to the best of my Hapa knowledge.
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Q. Brian, what does Hapa mean?
A. Hapa is a  term used to describe a person of mixed Asian or Pacific Islander ethnic heritage. 

Q. Brian, you're obviously Mexican, why do you have a Japanese last name?
A. Because my father is Japanese, my mother is Caucasian and you can't think outside of a box.

Q. Brian, who wins in a fight between Bruce Lee and Jackie Chan?
A. In a film, Bruce Lee. In real life, Lee wins in his prime, but Chan doesn't go down easy. We've all seen the outtakes from his films and know that he can take a hit and keep coming back.

Q. Brian, were you joking about being Japanese? I mean, you're Mexican, right?
A. No, I'm half Japanese and my mother is White with blonde hair and blue eyes.

Q. Why can't I use the term "Oriental" anymore to describe an Asian person?
A. Hard to give a quick answer on this one.  Basically it's an outdated term. Today it used more toward items or products and not people. 

Q. Brian, are you sure you're not Mexican?
A. Yes, I'm sure. Get over it and let's move on.

Q. Who wins in a fight between Bruce Lee and Chuck Norris?
A. In a film, Bruce Lee. On TV's Walker Texas Ranger it's a draw followed by a high five. In real life, sadly nobody wins...America loses.

Q. Brian, where did you learn to use chopsticks?
A. My father taught me at the dinner table.
Q. Really? I thought you were Mex...
A. Just stop.

Q. Brian, did you ever study Martial Arts?
A. Yes, just like every grade school kid in America.  As a matter of fact, even though I'm a bit rusty, I'm pretty sure I could still beat up a grade school kid if needed.

Q. Brian, why do you renounce your Mexican Heritage?
A. What? It's not mine to "renounce". Are you even paying attention?

Q. Brian, are Asians bad drivers?
A. No. Asians make up over 60% of the worlds population, so logically the odds of an Asian being involved in a car accident are going to be higher.  I've been in one car accident in my life and it wasn't an Asian that hit me.  Besides, if Asians were bad drivers then why would they trust Sulu to drive the Enterprise?

Q. Brian, seriously, nobody in your family is Mexican?
A. Please go away.

Q. Brian, people always talk about the "size" of Asian men, thoughts?
A. Again, much like the bad driver comments, people are missing the point.  With 60% of the world's population, the "job" is getting done...frequently! Oh and to answer the question, Godzilla appears larger on smaller islands!

Q. Brian, what year where you born?
A. The year of the Monkey...obviously.

Q. Brian, I noticed that your son looks a little Asian, was he adopted?
A. No, my wife and I made him. He looks a little Asian because I'm a little Asian.

Q. Last question Brian, I recently saw you eating at a Mexican food restaurant, why?
A. Fine, I'm Mexican.

Unfortunately, all these questions were real.  Perhaps in the future I will share more, but for now I will leave you with this cool little tidbit. If you grab your cell phone and use the T9 or predictive text feature or just look at the numbers - spell the word BRIAN.  If you don't have a friend named Brian, it will come up ASIAN...pretty cool huh?

I wish all of you a very prosperous 2012 and a HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!


Good bye and Sayonara! 
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Keep'n It Real 01/01/2012
 
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Recently I called an old friend to catch up on things. After the usual "How's it going?", he started telling me about his daughter being difficult the past two years since becoming a teen and entering high school. Nothing crazy, just regular teen angst. He wasn't complaining, just sharing a struggle he'd been dealing with and it came out during the course of our talk.  We finished up our conversation, wished each other a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

The next day in the mail, I received his Christmas card with photo of the family. Inside the card was the "family letter".  You know the letter that tells you what the family has been doing in the past year.  Even though we just spoke, I read the letter anyway - WHAT? No mention of the daughter being a pain in the butt!  That was the best part of our conversation!!! How could he have left that part out. Surely, this was a mistake. 

OK, I'm joking! Kinda. Of course he's not going to share that information with everyone, but sometimes these end of year letters don't share enough truth.  Nobody's family is perfect, so share just enough dirt to make you look human, but at the same time allow me to empathize with you while feeling better about myself.
Something like, "I think my wife drinks a little too much" is just enough info for everyone to keep an eye on her without it being a major surprise at the intervention next year....just sayin'.

I guess what I am trying to say is that you really need to hear a persons voice or see them in person to really know what is going on in their lives. Facebook posts and Twitter Tweets just don't cut it, they only give you the sound bites of a person's life.

I would challenge everyone in 2012 to pick up the phone or meet with a family or friend and reconnect minus the technology.  OK, you can use a phone to call them, but it must be a rotary phone!  After you meet, you can Tweet or Facebook post all about it!

God bless and Happy New Year to you all! 
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My website and blog is more or less dedicated to my job as a comedian, but I am still a media producer and always will be.  Recently I had the opportunity to work for a friend on a 10 man crew.  The crew consisted of a group of diverse people with varied backgrounds and interests. 

One crew member was a young 20-ish female who is attending Arizona State University. During a break, I overheard her say that there were two Planet of the Apes films. Not wanting her to look uninformed in the future, I corrected her. I told her that in fact there were 5 films in the original series, a short lived TV series, an animated series and of course the 2 films that were made during her short lifetime.  She looked surprised. "Really?", she said.  Yes, really. Like I would make that up?

Now I will be the first to admit that I don't know everything about film history, but those that know me will tell you that I have a very healthy respect for it. (I'm no Robert Osborne, but I do alright.) Growing up, I watched classic films with my parents and saw many films in theaters that later would go on to become classics.  In college, my favorite class was Intro to Cinema.  I was fortunate to have a knowledgeable teacher that introduced me to many more classic films.  Even today, I enjoy discovering older films and independent films that I may have missed. For some time now, I get a sense that the next generation of filmmakers have a film history that starts with Star Wars and goes from there - not all of them, but some. Here's proof.

Recently, a director friend of mine in Hollywood (we'll call him Tim to protect his identity and assure him future work) called to complain about a couple of young 20 something Hollywood producers he had a meeting with at a major studio.  He said he had to reference films in recent years or else the producers had no idea what he was talking about.  A few weeks later, Tim was at a Hollywood party. One of his friends is married to a young (late 20s) TV actor. The TV actor approached Tim and said that he loved talking with "film guys" because they "get it" not like the "TV people".  The young TV actor asked Tim what some of his favorite films were.  Tim quickly replied, Amadeus.  The TV actor was impressed, "Great film, I need to check it out."  When Tim asked the young TV actor what his favorite film was, he replied, "Without a doubt, the best film ever...Ghostbusters."  Ghostbusters!? Tim restrained himself from laughing, but could have stabbed him. Nothing against Ghostbusters, but the "best film ever"?

My point...ugh, hasn't it been made? 

I don't expect the average person to care much about film history, movies are made to be enjoyed and provide us with an escape from our daily lives. But for those who choose to make it their careers, they should at least make an effort to understand and appreciate the great story tellers of the past.  Even though a basic story will get repeated, it would seem that it's always a bit better the first time around...you know, before the CG tornado, robots and Nicolas Cage. For every Ashton Kutcher film based on a classic, you will find me falling to my knees in a theater, yelling at the screen like Charlton Heston..."Damn you! Damn you all to Hell!*

* I'm referring to the original 1968 version of Planet of the Apes starring Charlton Heston**

** Charlton Heston was an actor.  He won an Oscar for Ben-Hur. If you attend ASU, you might recognize him as the old
      dying chimp*** in the 2001 version of Planet of the Apes

*** "Chimp" is short for chimpanzee

Please feel free to leave a comment. 
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It's been a week since my first blog posted and I wanted it to soak in a little before posting another "gripping" story from my life.  This is a grand experiment.  Will people read it, will people comment and will anybody care? Yes, yes and "eh".  The one thing I wasn't prepared for was the "new" web traffic to my website.

I'm a normal person with a pretty normal life....we'll as normal as a half Japanese comedian who looks Mexican can get to normal.  I have a loving family, wife, kids and even a dog.  I go to church, pay my taxes and try to be a responsible adult.  So you can easily understand that after last week's posting I would get a ton of referrals to my website from Russia. That's right, Russia.

"What!?" Yeah, that's what I said.

Now for a brief moment in time I was thinking, this was really cool.  I somehow made a huge impression in Russia. They dig my technology and Wham! jokes.  They get me!  Who were these adoring Russians referring others to my website? I had referrals from a Russian moving company, florist and even a mortician.  Then I notice something terribly wrong... a Russian prostitution site! How did I know something was wrong? Because my jokes are way too smart for Russian prostitutes...especially the Wham! jokes.

Now I would love to think that Russians have nothing better to do between looking up a moving company and surfing Russian porn than to watch me sing the Asian Song, but I'm not as naive as you think.  I mean you give $25,000 to an African prince a couple of times and people think you're stupid, but THIS is different.  Obviously some kind of techno, wormhole, internet, time displacement program from Russia that only a IT/web developer could explain, has attached itself to my blog and thought it could have it's way spamming all my posts and comments.  BUT, since all comments have to be approved by me, along with the latest in force field technology available by Norton and my computer's firewall actually being made of real fire - I beat the Russians!  Just like Rocky, Patrick Swayze, Gilligan and Captain Kirk. The cold war may be over for some, but apparently not online. Don't get me wrong, I have a very close Russian friend in comedienne Liliya Souslova.  Not once has she ever tried to spam me or even spoon with me. She's what I would call "good people". But the internet is the internet, whatcha gonna do?

I will say that traffic from Google, Facebook, Ask.com and Bing has increased, so that's actually a good thing.  

So in closing, I'm sure a few key words in this post will drive more people to this blog from all over the world because apparently when you use the word "Japanese" or "Asian", people think one thing... Mexican-Looking-Comic.

As always, I encourage you to leave comments.  Again, be nice, the internet has enough jerks.
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Ugh...technology! Apparently I am buckling to the world's peer pressure and creating a blog.  The whole idea is so that I can share with you my insight (if I have any), opinions (like you care) and my feelings (really?).  Since this is my first blog ever, let's talk about the title of the post, "Brian's Blog: Misspellings and Grammar Problems - Guaranteed!".

First of all, my mother was a bad speller, God rest her soul.  She was a wonderful woman, but couldn't spell S.O.S to get herself off an island.  Scientist have said there is a spelling gene that causes people to be bad spellers.  We'll, that's one trait I got from my dear mother.

My father was my best friend in the world.  A very smart, wise and patient man.  He was a farmer, which might explain the patient part.  He was Japanese, but born in Arizona. English was his first language, Japanese his second, Spanish his third and a little bit of French in High School. (French language...get your mind out of the gutter.)  Language came very easy to my father and he was a great communicator.  He could talk to anyone about anything and I truly loved that about him.

My parents were very supportive. Early on they knew I was creative. They encouraging me with plenty of art supplies for projects, musical instruments with lessons and finally a film camera with film.  I did good in school, excelled in the arts, played sports and upon graduation went to college. And yes, community college is considered a college.

In college, my 80 year old English teacher, Mrs. Fisher, hated me.  Privately she asked me, "What is your major?" When I told her it was Industrial Television Technology, her eyes rolled, "Ugh, you creative people. Always putting punctuation wherever you want. You think with the wrong side of your brain." Lovely woman...I'm sure she's dead now. Maybe not. She's living in my left brain like a grammar zombie.

Anyway, I realized that day that I was getting conflicting information from my English teacher and my video teacher.  Bill Davis was my video instructor. He lived the evolution of broadcast during his life; first Morris Code, then radio, then television. He said when you write a script, you need to write it how a person actually talks.  So true! Nobody says, "I am going to the store." they say, "I'm going to the store."  I got into the habit of adding commas for breath and pacing issues for video.  Wrong when read, but right when heard on screen.  This method has served me well for over 22 years of media production. Thanks you Bill Davis. Bill died a few years ago, but lives inside my right brain, running through a wheat field and smiling.

A quick note: as I try and do the best I can when writing, I think it's important for you to know that I hate using abbreviations when texting or e-mailing.  I mean OMG WTF people! LOL :)

So with this blog, I will try my best to provide you will the best grammar possible. Sometimes really creative grammar, but the best I can muster. I can't take credit for the spelling.  My spell check has been going crazy during the writing of this blog and causing my computer to smoke. 

Future posts will be more interesting...I promise!

One more thing in closing, If you ever see the letter "R" or "L" added to a word, it's not because I am of Asian decent, it's a typo.  If you think it's on purpose...you're a Lasist!

If you comment...be nice!  The world has enough jerks. 
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